The twins are four...FOUR!!!!

I'm not a mushy person, I generally don't get sentimental about my kids milestones, I don't cry when they get shots, I don't blink an eye on their first day of school. I just take each day like it's just what is supposed to happen so why gush over it? BUT today....why today, do I sit here and stew over the fact that my itsy, bitsy, teeny weeny babies are now FOUR years old?

"Birth-day"

First birthday

Second birthday

Third Birthday

I mean let's be honest, I still have moments where I'm in disbelief. We have twins, yep they are still here, they are still ours, we have twins, and today, those twins are no longer what I consider toddlers but PRESCHOOLERS, FOUR YEAR OLD PRESCHOOLERS! Their birthday is so bitter sweet this year. Just like a handful of other family members that have celebrated a birthday since my grandma passed, this will be the first year they don't get a birthday card from her. Maybe a birthday card isn't so important to the average person but anyone who ever received a birthday card from my grandma, it's just different. She never missed a card and there was always a super sweet prize inside. How lucky my children have been to have had a great-grandma in their life for nearly four years. I hope they can remember her, with all my heart, I hope some shred of memory stays with them of her. How do I cope with not having her at their birthday party this weekend? To not have her bring the ice cream, which was always the task I allocated to her, a small one but an important one? How do I look around the room while we sing to them and not see here face? 

This blog post is just as much about her as it is about them. There is something about death that makes you start caring more about things that you didn't bother to care about before. I suppose I might start crying when my kids start school, or wince at the sight of them getting boosters? She has made me far more aware of my surroundings even in death. I have been collecting items from her house and everywhere I turn I have small tokens of her, reminding me to ask, "what would grandma do?" From the silky pillow case I rest my head on, to the canisters I store my 3 varieties of flour in. She is everywhere in our home, EVERYWHERE! Maybe that's how the twins will know her, through me? Through living my life how she would want me to. By continuing to be generous, thankful and respectful. By offering our home for friends and family to share meals in and sharing her many recipes with them. By taking the kids to places she enjoyed, like eating at a local pizza parlor back home that she loved and reminiscing with the owner who I have known my whole life.

Gigi's Peach pie on the girl's trip!

The twins have so many of those new experiences coming their way this year. A new school, attending all 5 half days, new teachers, new friends, a new routine. It's all just a little too much for this once hard-shelled mom to handle. Possibly it's because they are my babies and although I still embrace change because it's inevitable, now it's just more challenging to put on a happy face. I now see that time is just going to keep passing by at a head spinning rate and maybe that's what is scaring me? It's like that book, "If I could keep you little... but then I'd miss seeing who you're meant to be." I recently started to struggle with wanting to hold on to the present but my old self knows they will grow up and I want to see that too.

Last day of 3 year old preschool

They have changed so much since the last time I wrote about them a year and a half ago. They have been potty trained for two years, what a blessing that was to not have double the diapers to buy. They attended 2 days of private preschool all last year. They have developed different food preferences. Logan loving meats, salty items and veggies, and Kelsey is addicted to dairy, sweets and fruit. They have gained very strong personalities. Logan has a very bad temper (shame on me) and enjoys physical activity (he's the sportiest of our children). He likes to play with cars and dinosaurs (typical boy) and ride his bike. Kelsey is very sassy and whines just about all day (go away threes, please fabulous fours arrive) she likes music A LOT and tends to demand, "turn that song up, or change this I don't like it." Her favorite toys are her dolls and doll house. They love the water but in different ways. Kelsey prefers the calm pool while Logan wants to be crashed by waves at the beach. Both twins are reserved at school, being very quiet and often whispering to the teachers when they talk to them. They play with play-doh non-stop and like to draw, cut and color. They are starting to make friends with neighbors and cousins but tend to want to play with each other. Last summer we decided to have them share a full size bed in their room because they were having trouble sleeping and that has been great to keep them sleeping better at night. Logan tosses and turns though so we will more than likely put the boys together on bunks by next summer, as he now needs his own bed.

We finally met cousin Morgan

It's really hard to think that these thriving humans were once very tiny preemies. There is nothing besides being petite for their age that would ever make you think they were born 7 weeks early. They are all caught up with milestones, appropriate learning materials, motor skills and self-care. We just need to work on their social skills, which I have no doubt will blossom in a larger public preschool setting this year. Speaking of that, I am ecstatic to be getting 2.5 hours of dedicated "ME" time everyday this school year. I will be spending one day a week grocery shopping and using the other 4 days to photo edit for my business. I am really looking forward to being able to sit down and work without being asked to help a child in the restroom 20 times in said time frame. A quick chat about the company. It's been an amazing year and my hobby has turned into a full-time, sustainable, profitable enterprise. It really brings me to tears how happy I am with this profession and that I never "pictured" myself owning a business. Growing up watching my parents manage and run a business, didn't exactly make me eager to have one for myself. Each experience is different though and each job has is own set of challenges and this is the "job" I am meant to have.

As for the rest of our lives, Austin is doing extremely well. He has made huge strides in speech (almost to where he is no longer deficient). He met all the requirements to pass Kindergarten with reading and math. We have decided to let him move on to first grade as he is only lacking in some motor and social skills. His sensory processing and motor planning issues are the largest concerns we have with him currently. He takes extra time to register material and then put in on paper. He forms letters well but this year we will be concentrating on making correct sentences and spacing between letters. He uses social stories in classroom and play settings to help him grasp the order of events when he is presented with something new like how to ask someone to play at recess. We couldn't be more thrilled with the team of educators at Lakewood Public for their diligent work with him and their never ending support of his advancement. This summer he asked to play t-ball (surprising us) because he is most certainly the arts and music type. I am glad he tried something new but we had some issues with getting him to finish out the season and has asked to not do it again. He has requested to sign up for Young Rembrandts this fall instead of a sport (which he did last year and enjoyed). He also made great strides in swim lessons this last year, now being able to wade in the deep end and not be dependent on wearing a life preserver.

Just like our favorite book, "Winifred's New Bed"

It think that's where I will close out this blog post. I have had a week off work so it's been nice to relax and catch up on some things I used to do when I had more spare time (bake sourdough bread, type this blog, go on a weekend away with my girlfriends). Don't hold your breath for another blog post anytime soon, my calendar is so booked that I won't have too much time on my hands again until December!

On my "moms" getaway weekend

Happy Birthday Kelsey and Logan!!!!

At Kelsey Elizabeth for birthday macarons!

Feeding new baby cousin Jensen!

Annual Cousin's dinner with the twins

A life worth celebrating!!

It has been so incredibly long since I last made a blog post, over a year actually! Life's been busy and the time has just disappeared. But, I am going through some real heartbreak that I want start to heal from. I know it will never go away but talking about it and reminding myself how incredibly lucky I have been to have such a person in my life is really helping. Anyone reading this who knows me, is already aware that a little over a week ago, I lost my grandma on her 87th birthday. She meant the world to me. I had the privilege of doing her Eulogy at the funeral mass where I was able to share with our community so many of the wonderful things that made her the perfect grandma. I have decided that I would like to share the (extended version, I shortened it up for time restraints) of my Eulogy here as well for others to read the story I shared.

On her 50^th birthday, my grandma made a wish, she asked for a grandchild. Shortly after making that wish she not only received one but three healthy grandchildren in a month’s time. 

From the moment we met in that packed hospital waiting room, Grandma and I have been kindred spirits.

As a child, Kate and I spent many hours dressing up in her and Aunt Rosie’s first communion dresses and veils and walking around in her countless pairs of high-heeled shoes. One special pair of those shoes are her 63 year old wedding heels, that myself, Kate and LeAnn have all worn on our wedding days.

My grandma’s favorite place to be besides church, was her kitchen. She never cooked a bad meal, although she often critiqued herself but none of us noticed the mistakes at our weekly Sunday dinners. She was especially talented at baking. We all bonded over stuffing cabbage leaves with venison, stewing tomatoes for ketchup, cracking eggs for mayonnaise, adding cream holes to kuchens, rolling out crust for pies and sprinkling colored sugar crystals onto her perfectly fluffy and white frosted cut-outs. She then would reward any helpers with peppermints, mint chocolate chip ice cream, endless jars of maraschino cherries and pickles from her fridge. 

As I grew, I eagerly volunteered for new jobs helping her decorate the Christmas tree, wrapping presents and typing her annual Christmas letter. There was never a lack of time spent with her, I was her shadow, her mini me, her munchkin watching every meticulously organized move she made, soaking up every ounce of her many talents.

In Junior High and high school, I spent most Saturday nights with my grandparents, eating dinner, watching Walker, Texas Ranger and Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman. I woke on Sunday morning before church to the smell of cream of wheat with brown sugar and butter on top, still my favorite breakfast. Those memories in high school with them, are some of my best. Both grandma and Dubby supported me at my highest and lowest points. It was an unsettling time in my adolescence when I struggled with debilitating migraines and overwhelming panic attacks. My grandma was always there with open arms, a warm hug, a shoulder to cry on and words of encouragement. She was my backbone for so many years when I was scared to share my anxiety secrets and who I turned to when I needed advice.

She really was involved with every aspect of my life from taking me to my first movie in a theater- Cinderella, to coming along for my first hair perm and even an occasional match making. She encouraged a close friends son to ask me to our freshman homecoming dance. She was not only active in my life but my brothers and cousins too, attending our first sacraments, sporting events, dance recitals and EVERY college graduation. When I was unsure of my future, she was adamant, maybe even a little forceful that I attend Miami University. She had a way with making people choose what she felt was best, and years later, I learned that she had convinced my high school principal to call and make a verbal recommendation to ensure my college acceptance.

After college we continued to share many dinners together discussing the many details of life,  especially when she found out I was having twins. She had endured the heartbreaking loss of her infant son, John Frederick Keller, and I know that memory plagued her when the several babies in our family spent time in the NICU. But through it all, she remained a pillar of strength and beacon of light during that very trying time. I know her endless prayers and support helped each of us. It was always my passion in life to be a mother and how could you blame me when I had a grandmother such as her. She was the perfect role model in every possible way and I strive to be just like her.

She taught us all, family, neighbors, strangers and friends to be loving, compassionate, generous, thankful, respectful, kind, responsible, and loyal. She made everyone that surrounded her feel special, from birthday cards, to flowers for special occasions, and small tokens of her gratitude. She built the foundation of our rock solid family and leaves behind a legacy of people who all possess characteristics of her servant’s heart. She was a giver. She constantly shared her talents and donated her time to our community. She never asked for anything in return except that maybe we take a family photo every chance we get. I’ve started to wonder if subconsciously she led me to become the photographer I am today. Ensuring that once again she would get her way one way or another.

She lived a story book life with many splendors and great hardships along the way. Her last day with us was one of greatness. She received phone calls, texts, flowers and gifts. She enjoyed her final birthday meal with family and heard the good news that her 7^th great grandchild had arrived home from the NICU. She went to meet Jesus surrounded by loved ones. If we could all be so lucky. I find it hard to be sad when I know she lived and loved life to the fullest and is well deserving of her heavenly home. So no matter if you called her Mrs. Keller, Margaret, Mom, Grandma, Gigi or the Kuchenlady. I know that she positively impacted each and every one of you. So today may be goodbye but she lives on through us all. I love you grandma and I’m so proud of you!

(END)

For month's prior to her passing, I had an overwhelming feeling that she wanted to me to be the one to offer up these last words to her. I had been pondering in my head what I would plan to say that would be worthy of her outstanding life. When it came time to write these words, I found it so easy to list all of her amazing qualities. Many, many times last week, I fell to my knees in pure sorrow and wept. Each time that I did this, our daughter Kelsey would be the one to console me, she would hug me and tell me, "Mommy, I am sorry you are sad." When it came time to read her Eulogy at church, I chose Kelsey to be the one to stand with me to keep me strong and from sobbing. She is my new backbone. I was able to keep my composure and Kelsey even offered up some comic relief, professing during the Eulogy to the whole congregation that she, "needed to pee!" She made everyone at mass chuckle just when I was about to break down. 

I am so very thankful for every person who shared a story, card, flowers, condolence or hug at her showing and funeral. Thank you so much for your overwhelming support and it warmed my heart to see how many people loved her just as I!